Preschool
(3-5 years)
A preschool child has a better understanding than toddlers because he or she notices that parents are both angry with one another, or that things are not as they once were. Preschoolers notice a change in behavior and pick up on changes in daily schedules and events. At this stage a child typically does not understand why the breakup is taking place and may tend to ask many questions out of the blue in attempt to understand.
Children at this age begin to know and explore their environment. They are learning an enormous number of new words, and their level of thinking is becoming more complex. They believe that they are in total control of their environment, and this may pose a problem for parents who want to divorce and/or separate. A child may feel he or she is responsible for the breakup and if this is the case, he or she may feel powerless about the outcome.
How To Handle It
Preschoolers do not understand the idea of divorce, nor do they ever want to see their parents separate. No matter how extreme the tension is in the home, the child will ultimately feel responsible for the divorce and/or separation. Parents must handle the situation in an open and honest manner. A child who sees parents adjusting to the divorce positively will most likely adjust to it positively. Physical and verbal affection reassures children because it eases uncertain feelings about the future, responsibility and anger. A parent can ease anxieties by reading to children as part of quality time specifically allocated to them each day. A parent should encourage a child to talk about the divorce and/or separation, reassuring the child about his or her safety and security. The assurance of visitation and phone calls with the other parent is also very helpful.
Elementary school
(6-11 years)
A child at this age most likely has a good concept of love and companionship. He or she is able to understand that Mother and Father do not want to live together any longer. A child thinks his or her parents do not love each other but does not understand why. This is probably the most fragile stage because children of this age can feel as though they are no longer loved by either parent.
Peer Interaction
At this age children have increasing peer interactions, and they may begin to become a little distant. For early elementary school children, the onset of a breakup can be a very difficult obstacle to overcome. As a child ages, he or she realizes that he or she has not been abandoned, particularly when parents are open in talking about feelings.
Elementary schoolchildren feel extreme loss when a breakup occurs, but it is not impossible for the parents to rebuild the child's sense of comfort and security. Children interact with an ever-increasing number of new people, and they may come home with controversial questions about issues concerning the breakup. Typically a child's only wish at this age is for the parents to reunite, and the child may attempt to accomplish this task by taking actions of his or her own.
Adolescents/Teenagers
(11-18 years)
At this age a child has a very good grasp of a breakup. Media and experience with friends whose parents are divorced gives him or her ideas, both right and wrong, about family breakups. At this age, a child most likely is beyond the understanding phase and into the acceptance phase of a breakup.
Identity of Self/Increasing Interaction with Peers
In early adolescence, children become more abstract thinkers. They are beginning to develop and discover their own identities. Children start to move away from the security of the home. It's not so much a time of rebellion but a time of exploration. The focus of their lives, no longer centered on the home and parents, is now on peers who seem more important than family. The adolescent is very aware of what is going on in his or her parents' lives and is often very critical about the situation. Many times he or she will not accept divorce and/or separation as a solution. Later in adolescence, the young person is ready to be launched into the environment where he or she will gain independence.
Before he or she leaves for college, much of the time a child spends at home is time spent alone. The older adolescent's thinking skills are becoming more finely tuned as he or she is slowly becoming an adult abstract thinker. Both parents, formerly married and/or separated, should still be there to provide guidance, even though the young person may not always welcome it.
A child may have many reactions to a breakup, including anger and even hatred, unpredictable behavior, loneliness, manipulation of parents, concern about finances, and feelings of accelerated maturity.
In the face of these reactions, a parent must keep up as much communication as possible. Children should not be involved in parental disputes, and parents should consider family counseling. New relationships by either parent should be considered carefully, particularly because of their impact on household rules and routines. A child's school behavior and school work is often a good indicator of problems, both hidden and visible.
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