Many parents find that they do communicate better during divorce and/or separation because it is the first time in a while that they were forced to have meaningful conversations. A breakup can create a stronger parent-child bond. Good communication, it should be remembered, means good listening, and this turns on encouraging a child to express opinions.
Strategies and Tactics for Good Communication:
- Pick a place where you both feel comfortable.
- Never criticize the other parent in conversation. This includes all body gestures, like the rolling of the eyes or shrugging.
- Stay calm when things get a little heated and avoid quick irrational responses.
- Never use threats or ultimatums.
- Stay on the topic of conversation. If another issue comes up, write it down and discuss it at a later time.
- Look, don't just listen, for your response. Facial expressions are as telling as words.
- Do not interrupt.
- Do not talk down to your child as if he or she does not understand.
- Avoid saying, "If you were older you would know what I am talking about." Your child will interpret this as your excuse for being wrong.
Parents and children do not always see eye-to-eye, and a martial breakup can intensify divergent views. A rebellious child will most likely calm down as time passes, but through this trying experience, a parent must stay the course, no matter how difficult. Isolation is never the answer and will almost always cause more harm than good. Parental absence in this difficult time often translates to problems in forgiveness later in life.
Often getting a point across is a challenge because either the parent or child or both are not listening to what each other has to say, and both parent and child may become enthralled with his or her point of view. Friends and relatives can sometime throw a cold eye on the situation, and parents are sometimes wise in listening to a third party.
After a heart-to-heart conversation, the emotions of a parent may be all over the place. This emotional spectrum after such a conversation has many colors: from happy/secure/self-confident to energized/relieved/self-assured to indecisive/perplexed/exhausted to domineering/controlling /successful to guilty/selfish/apologetic to sad/gloomy/negative. All these feelings and emotions are perfectly normal, but the negative feeling and emotions call for timeout and distance.
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