Adjusting to the thought of not being married occurs in stages and the progress of adjustment varies depending on the situation, the family structure that existed, and current lifestyle. Parents and children do not always move at the same speed, and both make different adjustments. A parent, therefore, must be particularly attentive to the adjustments a child has to make.
Separated and divorced parents should stay busy and not dwell pointlessly on the other parent or the breakup. This can be all but impossible, but a separated or divorced person must let go of the past. The healing process takes time and effort, but the rewards are priceless.
At all times, a parent must be aware of his or her behavior in front of the child because it is likely that the child shares the parent's feelings. If the parent adjusts quickly with a positive attitude, the child will more than likely follow.
Basic Strategies and Tactics for Getting Adjusted:
- Go for long walks.
- Build your self-esteem.
- Get regular exercise.
- Eat healthy.
- Stay busy.
- Spend more time with friends and relatives.
Rebuilding self-esteem is an important step in living through a separation and divorce. Confidence does not come automatically. It requires a repetition of well-done tasks. A series of failures can destroy confidence; a series of small successes builds it.
A breakup is not a personal failure; it as a learning experience. One success leads to another, and the positive effect on self-image is cumulative and unique to the person. A person can rebuild his or her self-image by being a friend of himself or herself. For example, everyone can sing, but everyone cannot sing like Barbra Streisand. No one should compare himself or herself to a professional singer.
A person on the rebound from a breakup needs to make use all his or her abilities, known, hidden and undiscovered. The pain of a breakup is often a very good teacher.
However painful a breakup is, character endures, and people judge each other on the basis of character.
A breakup is a good time to make changes and take action, instead of eternally planning them. Planning, at some point, must end or it becomes avoidance. There is no perfect plan. Patience is important and Rome was not built in a day, but it is a good idea to set goals and act on them.
A person rebounding from a breakup must learn again to accept compliments and to use talents and the recognition they draw. Unwarranted put-downs need not be accepted.
People feel better when they take pride in their personal appearance. They function better when well groomed.
Self-Esteem
When one spouse seems to become trapped by perpetuating low self-esteem, it may be that he or she allows it to happen because he or she encourages a self-fulfilling cycle. This means the spouse is treated the way he or she allows himself or herself to be treated.
A healthy dose of assertiveness will cure that syndrome. Assertiveness is not aggressiveness. Assertiveness means standing up and being an advocate for the self, and it contributes to optimum mental health.
A so-called "wimp" gets into a cycle of low esteem where non-assertiveness equals low esteem. An assertive person stands up for himself or herself and has respect for others. A non-assertive person feels intimidated and unequal and inferior.
Here are 10 steps toward sharpening and maintaining good mental fitness:
1) Prioritize your needs. Put yourself as a top priority.
2) Assert yourself. Present your feelings without attacking others.
3) Demonstrate your self-esteem by your behavior. Body language and attitude will be a key reflection.
4) Work to improve yourself by: a. learning (for example, classes in a topic of interest); b. challenges (something new and different); c. physical health and appearance (improved nutrition, more rest and exercise) d. spiritual time with optimistic people.
5) Eliminate negative value judgments of yourself and others.
6) Allow yourself to succeed by planning to succeed and acting on your plan.
7) Think positively, and give yourself credit when it's due.
8) Learn to escape everyday schedules.
9) Find ways to help others.
10) Seek help when you need it. Professionals are always available.
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